i’m so jealous of my sister for attaining the most adorable boy that i would have seriously asked out my anxiety ridden self if he wasn’t two years younger than me. i’m so all over the place and i would literally talk to almost any boy that could carry a conversation right now. i just want to have people there all the time but never actually commit to anyone because that’s just not me right now. i’m seriously like a boy. i just want to meet people and have a good time and avoid anything serious. i’m going to go back to my plan of deflowering christian boys i guess. but seriously fuck why doesn’t anyone like me i just want to have a good time and never have to open up to anyone ever again.
i should probably also mention my current thoughts and psychological processes as to why i only talk to people that i don’t know very well now but i’m too tired and i’ll be home at 11:30 am tomorrow so maybe later.
so today i worked and blah blah blah it was boring whatever and then i drove met my sister and drove some people from her performing arts group to their house which is down the road from me. and of course i’m tired and cranky after waking up at 6 and working 6.5 hours so i drove at a pretty fast speed. as i was turning off the highway onto the side road towards my house a siren started going and i looked in my rear view mirror and lights were flashing and it was an undercover cop, i almost had a panic attack. the guy sitting in the front seat is really cute and sweet and i’ve known him for like two years and he was like wow this is really shitty. so i pulled over and i was freaking out and i was like what the fuck am i supposed to do? like get out of the car and put my hands behind my head? and he was like calm down its okay he’s getting out of his car and coming over. so apparently i was going 31km over the speed limit which is really quite bad. he was going on and on about how i would lose 4 demerit points and blah blah blah and i gave him my license but I’ve always been foggy on the registration shit so i handed him the red booklet. Apparently the paper i’ve been using for my insurance expired a month ago and was only good for thirty days which means my mom probably got the new one and forgot to give it to me. How was I supposed to know that my new car’s insurance would last only 30 days? anyways he went to his car while I freaked out some more like oh god my parents will kill me they will never let me drive again and they’ll take away my car. when he came back he was all nice and after a huuuge speeding lecture he said he wouldn’t give me a speeding ticket but he gave me a ticket for failure to surrender insurance information or something like that. the whole thing was horrible but adam was so sweet to me, god i love that kid.
i feel like the only reason people talk to me is because they think i’m weird and it entertains them. that would explain why no one is talking to me now that i feel happy/content most of the time, right? i mean is it too much to ask for that someone actually tries to keep up a friendship with me? i just feel unwanted and i don’t want to disturb people’s lives and although i’m happy with school and work and everything right now i’d just like people to remember that i still exist and i’d still like friends.
doing homework and all i want to do is sleep. i’ve felt so sick all day my stomach is like clenched and all upset. other than that it’s been okay though. i went shopping after class and then worked. i got 29.5 hours next week which is overwhelming but good because i need to save any extra money i get for snow tires. i’m so preoccupied all the time that i rarely speak to people for more than a minute. saw the text boy today but eh whatever. h8 boyz 4ever and ya so floaty and spacey k bye
school is tomorrow and i’m going to be a good little girl.
but i did something bad today.
now i have $95.
i was so poor though.
also i was looking at holga cameras on ebay and i found holga lenses for dslr cameras. do you know how happy that makes me? for $15 i can take lovely interesting imperfect pictures. i’m quite happy. it comes in 6-16 days and yeah i can’t wait.
ebay is my favourite thing in the world.
i don’t want to sleep.
i’m nervous about school.
none of my friends will be there.
idk. talk to me.
okay. i’m not going to act confused about this. just straightforward. okay. it’s not like anyone i know reads this blog anymore. i’m almost certain anyways. the thing is, nobody will know because i won’t tell anyone and i’ll always be a virgin in everyone’s minds forever. so it’s not a big deal. i won’t even talk about it. it’ll be fine. yes. okay. good. goodnight.
fall is a more introverted, lonely and secluded season. i can do whatever i want with myself and no one will know because i can wear clothes, layers and layers of clothes. i already know i’ll lose a lot of weight when school starts because i’ll be anxious and busy all the time. i still can’t get my thoughts out as fluidly as i could before. my mind jumps from one thought to another and nothing really sticks anymore.
from now on if you want to ask me personal questions about people or something that i probably wouldnt answer seriously, send me the message off anon and i’ll give you a serious answer. all anonymous questions that i don’t feel like answering with be mocked/deleted.
I’m kind of sad I wish I had cigarettes and my copy of wintergirls.
i’m getting so fat.
i work at 9:30 tomorrow.
i’d rather drink some whiskey and take some sleeping pills.
i don’t have whiskey or sleeping pills.
fuck me for forgetting to take my medication.
okay so heehee the guy who text me last night was talking to my friend about me today and for some odd reason he finds me attractive and was asking things about me because he wanted to make sure i’m not friends with his ex because i mentioned knowing her when we met. and yeah. idk. he called me hot. weird. yeah. i feel idk eh i’m going to stop typing now.
I’m in such a little cranky mood. I drove all the way to the bank after work with literally no gas to see if i had any money to get gas and i didn’t have my debit card. so i drove all the way back to work to find it meanwhile freaking out about running out of gas. So ~anxiety~ and yeah i managed to be able to afford $14 worth of gas and now i have less than a dollar but eh it took me like 30 minutes to write this and now i don’t care anymore whatevz
People always say shit about other people and their intentions and of course you have to assume that it is untrue whereas nobody can truly know the intentions of another, but when more than one person starts saying the same thing it’s so hard not to believe. i’m just confused. i don’t want to think.